good grief.

back at livejournal, at long last. I'm not entirely sure what my intentions are with this update.

I'm going back to Portland next week, should arrive on Monday or Tuesday, depending.
It's been a strange past four months. This entire year has been nutty-- full of extremes. the main two being:

1. the relief and joy of completing my thesis and graduating from Reed
2. the unexpected and devastating death of my father

needless to say my entire family feels quite lost.

and so, if you happened to go to boyds coffee shop in the pearl district on saturday morning, you would have seen a barista whose black button-up collared shirt was on inside out.

no,
i don't do mornings well.

so...

1) concerns regarding my ever-increasing (?) staleness.

2) temptations to sabotage myself.

all extremely ridiculous and i'm sure are the results of boredom.
ohh... the need for drama. feh.

1) listmaking
2) i want to write notes and bury them in the backyard
3) soon, there will be a root-beer float afternoon at my house.
4) i miss leigh
5) i'm disgustingly lazy.

ohh... letter writing. lazy days. productive days. paper days. i like them all.

the 6 day trip was delightful, seattle, vancouver, victoria, seattle again. we got along fabulously, and i can't quite believe it.

the violent femmes tonight. $5 on the waterfront. who doesn't have some heartwarming memory connected to that band? i'd like to think we all do.

last night we bought paint together. On an earlier trip we grabbed the paint samples and took them to the "U-Scans" because strangely enough, the paint section has HORRIBLE lighting. We watched the color samples change before our eyes under the u-scan lights. i want pink and green walls- one of the pink samples, which looked acceptable in the paint section, suddenly turned into "this is the baby's room" pink. eech.

midnight painting and midnight snacks. he finished putting primer on the walls while i sat on the floor gluing 3/8" strips of canvas together for one of my qual projects.

i like it when we work together.

i have 10+ long days ahead of me. (well, lets not count all the work for the other classes too...) i look forward to them. the weather has been condusive to idea-forming and list-making; exactly what i need to be doing right now.

perhaps april is not the cruellest month after all.

oh.
the weekend was nearly perfect.
i'm amazed that all of this has stayed so much fun. who would have thought a person could stay so new for so long?

Friday: the qual. i'm excited! ready. nervous. anxious to get this show on the road.

1. saturday : oregon coast.
2. may : seattle and vancouver bc.
3. october : new york.

i am still thrilled by sitting down at the computer to go online-
and not having to check craigslist for available rooms!

ahhhh.

i found it, it found me;
i'm not sure which way it happened, but it happened and i have two new keys on my keychain. soon there will be freshly painted walls, a dinner party. and later... afternoon mint julips on the back porch.

so relieved. all the knots are gone. all this pleases me for many reasons, one of which is that it lends credibility to beliefs i've been test-driving for a couple years. the belief that everything will work out in the end, and everything happens for a reason. i think i'll hang on to some of my secrets and fail to elaborate on that.

seriously.
i do not want to be homeless while i take my qual.

oh oh oh!
i found the one i want.
please join me in crossed fingers.

if i ever said i wasn't flipping out about this whole moving thing-
well, i was lying.

on a lighter note (?!) only seven more mondays of school.

maybe maybe maybe i'll find a new home soon so i can stop fretting. a lovely home with wooden floors and big windows. a home with daydreamers. maybe i could look out the window and make up stories while waiting for the bread to finish baking.
allofasudden panics about becoming homeless. obnoxious. due in part to too much caffeine and too much homework going undone. preoccupied.

monster trucks, hearts, and legos all in one weekend?!

seriously,
how could one be glum with rod stewart's greatest songs to dance to?

ice ice ice skating everywhere!

crossword puzzles and word games all over town.
warming up socks and gloves on heaters,
using girl charm in order to borrow an inflatable innertube from one of the kids sledding at laurelhurst.
we drink more and more coffee. mmmmm.
i really am going to move out. the roommate and i had a talk tonight.

there will be surprise packages arriving in the mail any day now...

yikes.
i started this on the 24th of september, 2002.

and i'm still here.

wanting:
a wig to cover up an awful haircut.
snow.
photographs of snow.
a new scarf to replace the one i lost today. today, quite possibly the coldest day of the season.
school to disappear so i can play forever, guilt-free.
a new home with friendly and tidy people. or person.
a trip to canada.

i think it's time to start the 2004 listbook.

there was snow!
oh... it was the best introduction to a new year. for once, there was no fighting or nightmares. what a

relief.

instead, there was a snowman six feet tall. coffee. warm beds and bodies. adventure and contentment all day long.

i played chess for the first time ever yesterday. it was frustrating and intimidating to learn- and it didn't help that there was a boy one-third my age who was hanging around us showing off his knowledge of the game. argh.

there is a creepy man who hangs around the bookstore these days. he does not seem to get all the hints that i'm not interested. my frustration with this lead to cowardice today- first, i hid in the darkest corner of the backroom of the bookstore. later, on my lunch break, i walked around with my eyes darting around on the lookout for him. i wished i had a groucho marx disguise. if i see him again i will say, "i got married. but don't worry, i did it for money, not love." i'll laugh to myself about it later.

yes, yes, the flu makes for an excellent detox week.
and today's just another day. i am coughing and sneezing all over the place but at least the fever is finally gone. trying to muster up enough energy to sew a bag, go for a walk, read a book, anything.
i have called upon the help of superheros to make me well again, i watched spiderman last night and will watch batman today.


i am secretly missing the anticipation i felt as a kid.